


Rat Out of Hell

by telemachus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Dream-sequence, Gen, M/M, Sirius Black's Flying Motorbike, Unravelling sanity, animagi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 02:23:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12159666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telemachus/pseuds/telemachus
Summary: Set pre-POA.





	Rat Out of Hell

I’m on my bike.

It’s been so long – why has it been so long – I can’t remember – but it doesn’t matter now. I’m here, out here, on the road, the empty road, dark, and it’s raining- I love riding in the rain, in the dark, it’s like running free – out of bounds, risky, but it’s a controlled risk. I’m in control, always in control.

Driving the bike, driving myself, one eye on my flaws, one eye on hers.

Watching the road, through the rain, squinting, fast, the surface wet and gleaming in the moonlight.

Moonlight.

Somewhere I need to be.

Need to be with you, Moony.

Need to get there.

You’re alone, and that’s not good. Never good when you’re alone.

You’ll be in pain, shut in, and the wolf won’t understand, he never understands, why isn't the Pack there? Where’s Padfoot?

And I’m coming, I’m coming, my dear, my darling, my beloved – all the words we don’t say, all the words that the dog doesn’t know, that the wolf can’t understand – just that I’ll be there, that with you is where I belong, where the dog needs to be, where the wolf wants him.

I’m coming, fast as I can.

Not enjoying the ride now, just racing, racing, through the blackness, racing the moon because it isn't fully risen yet, because maybe, just maybe, I can beat it, get there to you before it starts, before the pain begins. 

Need to get to you, and you’re all I can think of, all I can think about is you, my need to be with you, to be there, to be at your side, to make it better, to make these nights bearable – to make something good, some kind of fun, of joyousness out of the horror of it all.

All I can think of is getting to you.

They won’t be there, and I can’t remember why, can’t remember where they are, where the stag is, why isn't he there, but there’s just a sort of blankness in my mind, and the rat – the rat – what about the rat – there’s something wrong there, something in my mind – but it doesn’t matter. 

All I know is that you need me, and I’m trying to get to you, and I’m on my bike and racing through the night to get to you.

Only there’s a kerb, where there should be no kerb, and – and why doesn’t the bike fly – why doesn’t it just take off and go over it – no problem, a kerb is no problem to a flying bike – only it doesn’t and I can’t remember – can’t seem to remember what to do, how to make it – and it’s happening so slowly – turning, spinning through the air.

Can’t feel the pain.

It must hurt – but I can’t feel it.

I’m above myself, looking down, can see my body all torn and twisted – and that must hurt – but I can’t feel it – and the bike – the bike is broken – my lovely bike – broken.

And – and I’m flying away.

Only I’m not, of course I’m not. I can’t fly like this, nothing to fly on. This isn't what flying feels like.

All I can think of, all I can think about though – is you. 

That I won’t be there.

That you’re alone, alone in the dark – they always shut you in the dark, you’ve told me that before – that you’re alone in the dark, and in pain, and scared – because you are scared. You’ve never told me that, but I know you are – I don’t see how you could not be – scared that this month will be the last – that this time, this time, the wolf will go too far. Will sever an artery. Will get out, and attack someone, do something, and you’ll pay the price. 

I know about being alone in the dark.

Alone in a cellar, in a cell, shut in, and you can’t get out. And they won’t come for you until daylight, until you’re really sorry, until you can find the words that Mother and Father want to hear – I know what that’s like. Shut in, in the dark, alone with the worst thing in the world – with the voices in your head.

I know all about that.

And somehow, somehow, I don’t know where I am now, where my bike is, my body – it’s all gone, disappeared, and I don’t know where I am.

I’m lost, invisible and lost in the dark.

I need you to come and save me, Moony. I need you, but you don’t come.

Why don’t you come?

The moon’s gone now, sunk away, slunk away I think – it’s gone, and yet you still don’t come.

Why aren’t you coming for me?

Because I didn’t come for you? – but I tried – I was trying – I wanted to be there – Moony – I wanted to be there for you – I was thinking of you.

Always thinking of you.

You.

Alone.

Alone in the dark – because – because where are they – where are the stag and the rat?

I can’t – I can’t remember.

And suddenly, suddenly I’m on the bike again.

Riding faster than I’ve ever ridden before.

And it feels good, so good, and I’m laughing, laughing, and – and from nowhere, nowhere, the stag comes.

In front of me – and it’s my fault, I can’t stop, I’m not in control, never in control, that’s me, known for my lack of control, Sirius Black. 

I don’t even feel the impact.

But the bike – my bike – is thrown and twisted once again – broken again – but this time – this time I’m fine, I’m thrown clear, and I’m standing and turning and walking back, running, but – the stag is dead.

Dead and rotting – how can he be rotting so soon – and it’s my fault – all my fault – and from nowhere I see the rat – the rat run out, and start nibbling at the open wound in the stag’s side.

And far away, far, far away, where I know I can never find you, the wolf howls, lost and alone.

 

 

******

 

 

Sirius abruptly sits up, awake in his cell.

Shakes himself like the dog he’d prefer to be, trying to clear his mind from the dream.

Trying to hold on to himself, to the truth.

The bike – the bike isn't broken. At least, there’s no reason to think so, Hagrid wouldn’t revenge himself on an innocent machine.

His body – his body is ruined, yes, but not – not broken – not dying. Much as he might at times wish for it, there is nothing wrong with him that a few square meals and baths wouldn’t cure.

The stag – the stag is buried, decently buried, not left out in the rain to rot, not left as food for vermin. Not much of a consolation, but – something.

The wolf – the wolf is alone. But maybe not, he reminds himself, maybe the wolf has a new pack now, maybe – maybe that was what was wrong between them towards the end. Maybe the wolf has a mate, maybe – maybe the wolf no longer needs to howl alone at the night. Maybe he isn't lost anymore.

Sirius swallows, because however much you tell yourself that it is what you should hope for, the knowledge that you yourself are not irreplaceable does not sit well with anyone, least of all a neurotic egomaniac.

The rat though. The rat is out there, somewhere. The rat – no, not just somewhere out there – in the school. In – Hogwarts – the rat. After the – the fawn, the boy – the rat – need to get out there. Need to chase, chase the rat.

Kill the rat.

Padfoot always found short ideas easier, and after all the years here, short ideas are the only ones Sirius can hold onto at all.

Get out of here.

Follow the rat.

Remember that.

Out of here. 

Chase the rat.

Kill the rat.

Hold onto that, forget the rest.

Don’t think about the wolf, lost and alone and scared, sad and miserable, and in pain. There’s no point. Not anymore.

Just – follow the rat.

That’s all you need to do, Padfoot, Sirius whispers, for it is a long time since talking to himself, to his other self, became the only way to hold onto any of his dwindling sanity, follow the rat and get us out of here.

 

 

.

**Author's Note:**

> Title - and some inspiration - (obviously) from the song Bat out of Hell......


End file.
